Hizzle Fo Shizzle.

Occasionally, fans will write in and inquire about the correct pronunciation of my name. To clarify this issue, please let me give you a bit of background.

As with so many things in life, it all goes back to the Spice Girls of the 1990’s. A little-known fact about one of their members, Posh Spice, is that she was originally named “Pasia” (after me) and later the “Spice” was added purely as a gimmick. Merchandisers of popular music will do this. Anyway, during all those hard miles of touring, the girls shortened Pasia’s name to “Posh”, and there it stayed.

I’m not hurt that her name was changed. Not at all. I’m glad the young lady developed a sense of identity, and hence, a name of her own.

To help you remember how to pronounce my name, I will assume the persona of my Rap Artist Alter-Ego, Fluff Doggy S.N.I.F., and I will perform a little number for you. I wish you could hear me perform it, because I’m fabulous. That can’t happen though, so reading the lyrics will have to suffice.

Please be assured that dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) is dressed accordingly, glowering behind dark glasses, and spitting percussively into a microphone.

Yo’ my name is Basia.
And no, I wouldn’t josh ya.
And I’m a clevah glam girl
Just like my Spicy Posh-ah.
Cause on Da Man’s hogwash-ah
I’m puttin’ dat kibosh’ah,
And if his language ain’t polite
I’ll get out my mouthwash-ah.

Yo.

Suspicion

As a K9, I try to avoid foolish entanglements in the world of Human Politics. It is too similar to crossing a property line that has already been marked by another dog. (You do the math.) Recently, however, I heard of something that has me a bit mystified.

I understand that a conversation is afoot about deporting all the “illegal aliens” currently residing in the US. I have a difficult time seeing how this can happen smoothly.

Please help me out here:
· Will people be rounded up based on “looking Mexican?”
· Will homes and apartments be searched?
· Will neighbors and co-workers be expected to turn each other in?
· Will neighbors and co-workers become the proud new owners of all the vehicles, homes, furniture, etc, of people once they are deported?
· Perhaps most importantly, who will get rich off this endeavor? Because certainly someone will.

Something similar to this was tried before; I think it was called “The Fugitive Slave Law,” and it led to Civil War. But I may ask dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) to double-check my facts. She’s always so helpful with that, after she finishes my dishes.

Humans, please let me caution you in this endeavor. Your communities are already stratified and brittle. Please think twice before you mandate suspicion.

Ever,
~~Basia

Why dogs do not throw.

I learned recently that the act of throwing develops human mental acuity.

That explains so much. I often see humans performing that strange action with their arms. Dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) occasionally spends her day off attending sporting events that involve throwing. And I recall when I was a pup, dear Kathleen had a habit of throwing my toys across the backyard for no apparent reason. I would retrieve the items, assuming (foolishly) that she would put them back in the house where they belong. Instead, she would invariably respond with literal squeals of delight, only to throw the toys again. Honestly! It’s moments like these that I wonder what I am paying her for.

Thanks to the brilliance of the high level thinkers at ted.com, I now understand that Kathleen was developing her mental acuity. And apparently it worked, because she eventually stopped throwing my toys. Well, that and I stopped chasing them.

I Love Capitalism. God Help Me, I Love It So.

So much on the internet is free. Well, actually, so much everywhere is free. Why pay for anything? Well, Seth Godin, a human I adore, offers seven product features that humans will pay for, when they could otherwise get the product for free. Below is a marriage of his ideas with my certain je ne sais quoi. (In other words, none—not one—of these ideas are mine.)

· Immediacy -- Sooner or later you can find a free copy of whatever you want, but having it delivered to your inbox, the moment you want it, is something humans will pay for. Remember that immediacy is a relative term. Those who are uncomfortable waiting will pay handsomely to get it now.

· Personalization -- Having something personalized means you’ve had a conversation with a creator or an artist or a producer. You have a relationship. When dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) arranges for my bath towels to be monogrammed, she contacts the embroiderer. It is a relationship that produces personalization. Humans will pay dearly for that.

· Interpretation – Puppies are free; obedience school requires tuition. Certain things become valuable to us only through support and guidance.

· Authenticity – Some dogs think of themselves as purebreds, but they are Bargain Bin until the appropriate papers are produced.

· Accessibility –Many humans will be happy to pay others to tend their "possessions." Have you noticed that iTunes backs everything up, pays the creators, and delivers to humans their desires? Netflix does the same thing. Most of this material is available free somewhere, if humans want to find it, tend it, back it up, and organize it. Or, in exchange for a few dollars a month, others can take care of it for you.

· Embodiment – Even as a K9, I can appreciate the difference between words on a computer screen, and words printed on luxurious paper and bound in hardback. It smells and sounds and feels so good. I understand. Or how about live music, with actual real human bodies manipulating musical instruments? The music is free; the bodily performance expensive.

· Patronage – I consider myself a patron of the arts. As my readers know, dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) delivers me regularly to the symphony, to the theater, to galleries, and of course to those ubiquitous-but-necessary opening night receptions. This is a part of my artistic bent—I honor it; I breathe into it. It is my small, humble offering to the artists and musicians who add such beauty to my life.
(A tip of the hat to Seth Godin http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2008/02/better-than-fre.html, who in turn tips his hat to Kevin Kelly. This is beginning to look like the finale to “A Chorus Line”)

Multi-tasking with Barbra

Barbra inspires me in so many ways, and on so many levels.

If you do not want to watch the entire seven minutes, please consider zipping forward to about 3:30. In the span of only 20 well-choreographed seconds, Barbra:
· Fans herself
· Puts a cigarette in her fabulous mouth
· Strikes a match
· Lights the cigarette
· Takes a drag and exhales cinematically (in profile)
· Drinks a Pepsi
· Centers her breath
· Begins singing
· Manages her microphone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djjGxt7meng

The song, Left in the Dark, was originally going to be recorded by (are you sitting down?) Meat Loaf! But he had a voice injury, so Barbra took it on, thank God.

World Center of the Dog

It has come to my attention that the Headquarters of the United Nations may be relocating outside of the United States. Although I’ve never done post-graduate work in geopolitics, I do listen to NPR regularly, and consider myself something of an Armchair Geopolitical Maven. With that in mind, I offer this humble suggestion:

As the HQ of the UN moves to God-Knows-Where, the current UN building (actually a complex) will be standing empty. I would like to suggest that it become the official World Center of the Dog; a gathering place for dogs and those who love them. It will be a place of scholarship, of meditation, and of elegance. Oh, and also a place of treats. And plenty of peanut butter, every afternoon at 3:00.

The UN complex was completed in the 1950’s--a terrific era for design, if you like pink Formica counter-tops and boomerang-shaped coffee tables. I’m thinking perhaps we could benefit from a little less of the European Modernist style, and a little more of what I like to think of as the “New American Dog Aesthetic.”

My plan will feature a complete cleaning and restoration of the exterior and interior spaces, with many spaces being converted to ceremonial purposes. Perhaps a labyrinth on the lawn, with plenty of user-friendly shrubs. Old office space can be renovated for galleries, spas, and meeting rooms. There will also be a 1500-seat auditorium with state of-the art projection facilities. And naturally, there will be upgrades to fire-safety, security, telecommunications, and heating, air conditioning, and ventilating systems.

Those are just a few of my thoughts. I welcome yours.

Ever,
~~Basia

Catsuits are not just for cats.

The discerning K9 does not limit herself to fashion suitable only for dogs.

Dressing outside the standard confines of what all the other dogs are wearing has often led me to some of my most exciting wardrobe options—including the awkwardly-named “catsuit”. (Please hold the “catwoman” punchlines. They’ve already been said.) Catsuits blend a modernist edge with a minimalist sensibility, and turn heads at the dog park on any Saturday morning. Let’s take a brief tour of the variations of the catsuit family:

“Unitards” are those shiny, spandexy numbers frequently worn by acrobats, gymnasts, and the occasional circus performer. As practical as unitards may be, I try to avoid them. Trust me; I have all the admiration in the world for Super Heroes. I just don’t want to look like one.

“Bodygloves” and “bodystockings” are similar items, often worn by modern dancers. Generally these are monochromatic, neutral-toned, and worn with no shoes. They are also unforgiving. I don’t recommend combining a bodyglove with bodyfat unless you have plenty of bodyimage confidence!

But the basic “Catsuit” is the well-appointed version of the above. Stylish and fashion-forward, these go from daywear to evening with only a change of accessories. Catsuits are available online and also at your better retailers.

Ever,
~~Basia

A word about fishnet—I understand that some catsuits are made of fishnet. How nice. I hope the fish enjoy them, because we certainly won’t be wearing them, will we?