The Repentant Bow-Wow

Today I came across a quote from Carl Sandburg which stopped me dead in my literary tracks.

“Books are but empty nothings compared with living, pulsing men and women. Life is stranger and greater than anything ever written about it.”

He’s right, and I am guilty. As my regular readers know, I read and write with a compulsion that I have never quite understood. And that compulsion has often kept me from turning to life and giving it the thorough sniff it truly deserves.

I’m feeling that feeling of wanting to change. When you think of me, gentle reader, please pray for this K9’s life in letters. My intention is to steward it well.

Ever~

Basia

P.S. The painting is by an artist named, "Mike Dooney." Here is a link to his blog http://sketchpaints.blogspot.com/

Culture of fear? Whatever could you mean?

I just returned from my evening constitutional with Dear Kathleen, the woman who helps me.

We were enjoying a lovely evening beneath the stars until our bliss was perforated by a barking dog. (There truly is one in every crowd.) This particular K9 was announcing his warning about walking by his perceived property. I was unimpressed with this display, and communicated that to him by leaving my Signature Scent. Dear Kathleen acted on her propensity to collect my scent into a plastic grocery bag and save it (presumably) for some special occasion. Nonetheless, I let my opinion be known.

This dog’s behavior reminds me a bit of how certain democracies organize themselves. It seems that when our society talks to itself, it attaches fear to any issue it doesn’t like. Name the issue, and we can likewise name the fear used to subdue it.

Gun control? Hitler’s first move was to force German citizens to register all their guns, and look what happened to them.

Tax Reform? Just another effort by the Neo-Cons to establish their New World Order.

Universal health care? England has universal health care, and they have to wait years for basic services.

Anti-pornography laws? Today they take away the porn, tomorrow they’ll shut down PBS.

Gay marriage? It’s a slippery slope. The next thing you know, they’ll want to marry their pets.

Global warming? There is no global warming. There is only elaborate Leftist propaganda, intended to distract us from what’s really going on.

Organic dog food? This nonsense exists only for bleeding hearts with more money than sense.

Waxy yellow build-up? Diet soda aftertaste?

Need I continue?

Enjoy yourselves, humans. I’m certainly not in a position to give advice, but I would like to encourage you to enjoy yourselves. We’ve been advised that perfect love casts out fear. Something to ponder…and now, if you’ll excuse me, it is time for my afternoon peanut butter treat.

Controlling Currency for Fun and Profit

Dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) is having a busy day. After she draws my bath, trims my nails, and finishes my wash and set, I’ve asked her to complete some fact checking for me. It seems I cannot recall one single human government on earth who have managed to control their own currency. Not one. According to writer James Kunstler, not even “the most powerful, authoritarian dictatorships in history” have been able to pull that one off.
I’m hoping dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) finds evidence to the contrary. After all, I would hate to think of the US Government trying to accomplish what has never worked for anyone else.
If any government was ever motivated to control their currency, I would think it would be the Weimar Republic. They sure gave it the old college try, in the face of truly impossible odds. Their efforts fell to naught, however, and in 1922 and 1923 Germany experienced truly astonishing inflation rates. I understand that prices were known to double in a day, causing people to carry cash in suitcases. Imagine, if that currency had been controlled, people might have been more content, Adolph Hitler might not have attained his baffling popularity, and World War II might have been averted.
But “might have beens” are easy, especially when you are a dog. Please allow me to leave you with this illustration: the photo above is of a coin worth 200 German marks. It was made during 1923, so people would not have to carry the burdensome paper equivalent of 200 marks. Prices rose so quickly, however, that the coin was soon worthless, and the government stopped making them.
Be wise, humans. Be wise.

Vintage Clothing

Dear, dear simple Kathleen (the woman who helps me) learned a hard lesson recently about fashion. It seems she was paid a compliment on her “vintage clothing,” although she did not realize she was wearing vintage clothing at the time. She thought she was wearing her Tuesday sweater, which she has worn every Tuesday, which gets laundered on Saturday, and dried on Sunday. And then worn again on Tuesday.

You get the idea.

Fashion, like longevity, has its place. Humans use it to express themselves. Yes, it is a modification from the pristine state of Fashion Readiness that dogs enjoy, but it is still important in its way. Those modifications are part of being human; enjoy them. Express yourself. Be unapologetically fabulous, in your own little human way.

Ever,
~~Basia

Groovin'

Leave it to the humans to think it’s “cute” that dogs can dance. Of course we can dance! Remember, we invented tail wagging.

Truthfully, the “dancing dogs” phenomenon is more a manifestation of dogs humoring their humans than the humans amusing their dogs. We know that humans have an unhealthy propensity for seat work. We also know that, as the more highly evolved species, it is our job to get you off your haunches and doing something spiritual.

Like dancing, for example.

Dance, whether secular, ritual, abstract, or (my personal favorite) interpretive, may express ancient harvest celebrations, love, patriotism, social issues, or the intrinsic need to get down. And although dogs may not have those handy opposable thumbs you humans are so excited about, we are fully capable of executing the seven movements of dance: to bend, to rise, to stretch, to glide, to jump, to turn, and to dart.

Party on.

The Agony and the Pageantry

Gentle Readers,
Many thanks for your thoughtful letters and sundry messages regarding my welfare. I am fine. I have been away from my computer because of responsibilities related to Pageant Season.

Coaching the girls is not easy, as you can imagine.

Example: to prepare for the swimsuit competition, the past 12 hours were spent rehearsing the Walk-In-High-Heels-Smile-Turn-Turn-Back-Step-Pivot-Step-Walk-Walk-Walk combination. We nearly lost Miss Montana with that one, and I had to keep reminding Miss Missouri that, even though she may be a non-finalist, she is not to smoke while on stage.

I have my work cut out for me. The hours are grueling.

I hope to be back at my blog before too long. Until then,
Ever,

~~Basia

Hizzle Fo Shizzle.

Occasionally, fans will write in and inquire about the correct pronunciation of my name. To clarify this issue, please let me give you a bit of background.

As with so many things in life, it all goes back to the Spice Girls of the 1990’s. A little-known fact about one of their members, Posh Spice, is that she was originally named “Pasia” (after me) and later the “Spice” was added purely as a gimmick. Merchandisers of popular music will do this. Anyway, during all those hard miles of touring, the girls shortened Pasia’s name to “Posh”, and there it stayed.

I’m not hurt that her name was changed. Not at all. I’m glad the young lady developed a sense of identity, and hence, a name of her own.

To help you remember how to pronounce my name, I will assume the persona of my Rap Artist Alter-Ego, Fluff Doggy S.N.I.F., and I will perform a little number for you. I wish you could hear me perform it, because I’m fabulous. That can’t happen though, so reading the lyrics will have to suffice.

Please be assured that dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) is dressed accordingly, glowering behind dark glasses, and spitting percussively into a microphone.

Yo’ my name is Basia.
And no, I wouldn’t josh ya.
And I’m a clevah glam girl
Just like my Spicy Posh-ah.
Cause on Da Man’s hogwash-ah
I’m puttin’ dat kibosh’ah,
And if his language ain’t polite
I’ll get out my mouthwash-ah.

Yo.

Suspicion

As a K9, I try to avoid foolish entanglements in the world of Human Politics. It is too similar to crossing a property line that has already been marked by another dog. (You do the math.) Recently, however, I heard of something that has me a bit mystified.

I understand that a conversation is afoot about deporting all the “illegal aliens” currently residing in the US. I have a difficult time seeing how this can happen smoothly.

Please help me out here:
· Will people be rounded up based on “looking Mexican?”
· Will homes and apartments be searched?
· Will neighbors and co-workers be expected to turn each other in?
· Will neighbors and co-workers become the proud new owners of all the vehicles, homes, furniture, etc, of people once they are deported?
· Perhaps most importantly, who will get rich off this endeavor? Because certainly someone will.

Something similar to this was tried before; I think it was called “The Fugitive Slave Law,” and it led to Civil War. But I may ask dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) to double-check my facts. She’s always so helpful with that, after she finishes my dishes.

Humans, please let me caution you in this endeavor. Your communities are already stratified and brittle. Please think twice before you mandate suspicion.

Ever,
~~Basia

Why dogs do not throw.

I learned recently that the act of throwing develops human mental acuity.

That explains so much. I often see humans performing that strange action with their arms. Dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) occasionally spends her day off attending sporting events that involve throwing. And I recall when I was a pup, dear Kathleen had a habit of throwing my toys across the backyard for no apparent reason. I would retrieve the items, assuming (foolishly) that she would put them back in the house where they belong. Instead, she would invariably respond with literal squeals of delight, only to throw the toys again. Honestly! It’s moments like these that I wonder what I am paying her for.

Thanks to the brilliance of the high level thinkers at ted.com, I now understand that Kathleen was developing her mental acuity. And apparently it worked, because she eventually stopped throwing my toys. Well, that and I stopped chasing them.

I Love Capitalism. God Help Me, I Love It So.

So much on the internet is free. Well, actually, so much everywhere is free. Why pay for anything? Well, Seth Godin, a human I adore, offers seven product features that humans will pay for, when they could otherwise get the product for free. Below is a marriage of his ideas with my certain je ne sais quoi. (In other words, none—not one—of these ideas are mine.)

· Immediacy -- Sooner or later you can find a free copy of whatever you want, but having it delivered to your inbox, the moment you want it, is something humans will pay for. Remember that immediacy is a relative term. Those who are uncomfortable waiting will pay handsomely to get it now.

· Personalization -- Having something personalized means you’ve had a conversation with a creator or an artist or a producer. You have a relationship. When dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) arranges for my bath towels to be monogrammed, she contacts the embroiderer. It is a relationship that produces personalization. Humans will pay dearly for that.

· Interpretation – Puppies are free; obedience school requires tuition. Certain things become valuable to us only through support and guidance.

· Authenticity – Some dogs think of themselves as purebreds, but they are Bargain Bin until the appropriate papers are produced.

· Accessibility –Many humans will be happy to pay others to tend their "possessions." Have you noticed that iTunes backs everything up, pays the creators, and delivers to humans their desires? Netflix does the same thing. Most of this material is available free somewhere, if humans want to find it, tend it, back it up, and organize it. Or, in exchange for a few dollars a month, others can take care of it for you.

· Embodiment – Even as a K9, I can appreciate the difference between words on a computer screen, and words printed on luxurious paper and bound in hardback. It smells and sounds and feels so good. I understand. Or how about live music, with actual real human bodies manipulating musical instruments? The music is free; the bodily performance expensive.

· Patronage – I consider myself a patron of the arts. As my readers know, dear Kathleen (the woman who helps me) delivers me regularly to the symphony, to the theater, to galleries, and of course to those ubiquitous-but-necessary opening night receptions. This is a part of my artistic bent—I honor it; I breathe into it. It is my small, humble offering to the artists and musicians who add such beauty to my life.
(A tip of the hat to Seth Godin http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2008/02/better-than-fre.html, who in turn tips his hat to Kevin Kelly. This is beginning to look like the finale to “A Chorus Line”)

Multi-tasking with Barbra

Barbra inspires me in so many ways, and on so many levels.

If you do not want to watch the entire seven minutes, please consider zipping forward to about 3:30. In the span of only 20 well-choreographed seconds, Barbra:
· Fans herself
· Puts a cigarette in her fabulous mouth
· Strikes a match
· Lights the cigarette
· Takes a drag and exhales cinematically (in profile)
· Drinks a Pepsi
· Centers her breath
· Begins singing
· Manages her microphone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djjGxt7meng

The song, Left in the Dark, was originally going to be recorded by (are you sitting down?) Meat Loaf! But he had a voice injury, so Barbra took it on, thank God.

World Center of the Dog

It has come to my attention that the Headquarters of the United Nations may be relocating outside of the United States. Although I’ve never done post-graduate work in geopolitics, I do listen to NPR regularly, and consider myself something of an Armchair Geopolitical Maven. With that in mind, I offer this humble suggestion:

As the HQ of the UN moves to God-Knows-Where, the current UN building (actually a complex) will be standing empty. I would like to suggest that it become the official World Center of the Dog; a gathering place for dogs and those who love them. It will be a place of scholarship, of meditation, and of elegance. Oh, and also a place of treats. And plenty of peanut butter, every afternoon at 3:00.

The UN complex was completed in the 1950’s--a terrific era for design, if you like pink Formica counter-tops and boomerang-shaped coffee tables. I’m thinking perhaps we could benefit from a little less of the European Modernist style, and a little more of what I like to think of as the “New American Dog Aesthetic.”

My plan will feature a complete cleaning and restoration of the exterior and interior spaces, with many spaces being converted to ceremonial purposes. Perhaps a labyrinth on the lawn, with plenty of user-friendly shrubs. Old office space can be renovated for galleries, spas, and meeting rooms. There will also be a 1500-seat auditorium with state of-the art projection facilities. And naturally, there will be upgrades to fire-safety, security, telecommunications, and heating, air conditioning, and ventilating systems.

Those are just a few of my thoughts. I welcome yours.

Ever,
~~Basia

Catsuits are not just for cats.

The discerning K9 does not limit herself to fashion suitable only for dogs.

Dressing outside the standard confines of what all the other dogs are wearing has often led me to some of my most exciting wardrobe options—including the awkwardly-named “catsuit”. (Please hold the “catwoman” punchlines. They’ve already been said.) Catsuits blend a modernist edge with a minimalist sensibility, and turn heads at the dog park on any Saturday morning. Let’s take a brief tour of the variations of the catsuit family:

“Unitards” are those shiny, spandexy numbers frequently worn by acrobats, gymnasts, and the occasional circus performer. As practical as unitards may be, I try to avoid them. Trust me; I have all the admiration in the world for Super Heroes. I just don’t want to look like one.

“Bodygloves” and “bodystockings” are similar items, often worn by modern dancers. Generally these are monochromatic, neutral-toned, and worn with no shoes. They are also unforgiving. I don’t recommend combining a bodyglove with bodyfat unless you have plenty of bodyimage confidence!

But the basic “Catsuit” is the well-appointed version of the above. Stylish and fashion-forward, these go from daywear to evening with only a change of accessories. Catsuits are available online and also at your better retailers.

Ever,
~~Basia

A word about fishnet—I understand that some catsuits are made of fishnet. How nice. I hope the fish enjoy them, because we certainly won’t be wearing them, will we?